Safe for TADPOLES.

i wrote a LONG post about dealing with contention at home.
i'm going to still publish it, in case you want to spend 40 minutes reading my blog today.
ha!
if not, here is the condensed version...

i LOVE this list... and the rhymes.

1. Safe for tadpoles-- 
i realized that i wasn't protecting my little kids enough from the wrath of the big kids.
(this sentence sounds harsher than i mean it too.  good kids, bad habits.)
i noticed that the big kids were being very critical of my younger kids.
they were teasing too much.
honestly, i was sad when i imagined how hard it would be to be the little sister who was never fast enough in the morning and the brunt of all jokes in the afternoon.
i also noticed that my bigger kids were afraid of being hurt (even from fooling around play), and so they quickly responded with physical harshness.
i was concerned.
somehow, because the little ones really were slow and silly, i had been spending my time helping and teaching the younger kids instead of protecting them from their older siblings.
and, i really do think that some rough play is fine, so i let it get too intense without setting limits.
i began pulling my kids aside, one by one, and explaining my concern.
i asked them if they were so mean to kids at their school who did things wrong, like forgot to do their homework?
i asked if they would be rude to a little sister who was slow because she only had one arm.
would it be funny to tease her?
NO.
emotional immaturity might not be as easy to see, but it was still a missing arm.
an arm that would grow with time.
i reminded my good-intentioned older children that, as perfect as they are now, they were young once too.
i said, this house is a safe place for tadpoles.
we are all still learning and this house is a safe place for learning.
if i notice my bigger kids getting upset i just smile and say, she's still a tadpole.
it has changed the feel of my home.

this was a mix of what can i do better next time and what i love about you...
my favorite is "good penmanship" and "Not shove the iPad in your face."

2. Kind ACTS--
sibling contention is normal.
especially when you have a lot of children.
BUT, it is not best.
i noticed that my kids are VERY KIND to the kids at school and not so kind at home.
they are more kind to their friends than they are to their siblings.
normal, but not great.
they needed a reason to hold their tongue.
they control their temper at school because they are scared of detention or the principal.
so-- i started giving them consequences when they behaved unkindly.
when they hurt with their hands, even if it is a game that gets rough, i have them do push-ups 20 or 30.
if they say unkind words to their siblings, i have them write 20 kind things about that sibling.
Young kids, who can't write yet, have to draw pictures.
SOO cute!
i might not be able to erase the mean stuff they say, but i can weaken it with some positives.

this was jakob's second attempt at an apology list for anna.
(his first list was the scout motto... loyal, brave, trust worthy, kind, hungry, etc.)
i think it's darling how meaningful a list of simple words can be.

i LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE these lists.
(i had a hard time finding lists to take pictures of because my kids really love them.  they hide them away in their special places to read over and over again.)
they have made a HUGE difference in my home.
not only do my kids have to take the time to make their wrong choice right, they can FEEL the happiness that their words have on their sibling.
there is power in positive words.
i used to have them do a service for the offended sibling.
this is a good idea, but it is harder to enforce.

even the BEST of families have waves of contention.
as mothers we just need to be aware of the slippery slope and help the kids climb back to safe ground quickly before contention takes over.
our homes can be happy and holy.
i know it.
my house FEELS kind again after a few simple changes.
this, and the hokey pokey, is what it's all about!!
(ha!  even my condensed version is a bit wordy...)

contention.

My family cycles.

Recently, I have noticed a cycle of contention.

(i wrote this a few weeks ago...  things are already so much better!)

My kids are mean to each other, cranky and teasing.

I feel them growing older, getting new friends, and drifting from the close relationships they once shared.

As they play less with each other, they squabble more.

My older boys have a bad habit of being unkind to their little sisters in the morning.

The boys are ready first and want to be very early to school so they just hurry their sisters along in an unkind way.

Because the girls do dilly-dally I have been casual in protecting them from their brothers’ wrath.

Finally it hit me—what a HORRIBLE way to start your morning.

EVERY day to have someone nagging you and pointing out your faults.

I will not allow this in my home.

I have noticed something.

It is not enough for ME to be a kind, loving mother.

If I allow my other children to hurt, tease, or tear down their siblings—my love will NEVER be enough.

My home MUST be a safe place for ALL of my children.

1.  EXAMPLE

Of course my example is key. 

My children will learn how to correct their siblings by watching me correct my children. 

“What I am speaks louder than what I say.” 

First, I must control my temper and mimic the behavior I want them to mimic. 

Sometimes I laugh at our conversations—

Drew will scream at Leah to be nice to the dog.

I will scream at Drew to be nice to Leah.

Nice.

I am very aware that kindness begins with ME.

But, I have focused so much on ME that I have been too permissive with their destructive behavior towards each other.

2.  PRAYER

Todd and I felt a distinct impression that we need to remember to always pray for our children individually and specifically.

We try to do this every night in our couples prayer together (he prays on odd days and I pray on evens).

(Take your frustrations to God and your praise to your child.)

Really pouring my soul out to God for my children is soothing.  It changes my perspective and reminds me that I am raising HIS child.

Todd always says that he loves to hear me pray. 

There is great power in a mother’s prayer (I love the blog post i wrote about my Mother's Prayers... because some of my most sacred moments with my children are when i'm praying for them and they may not even know it.)

Hearing my husband pray for my children is also powerful.

I love to hear what he is thinking about, what he notices they need. 

And again, it reminds me that we are a team.  I am not alone in rearing these kids.

!! Here is our great, new inspiration! 

(New this time, we have done this before but have gotten out of the habit.  We cycle I tell you.)

When we say family prayers we have the kids pray for each other—by name.

It is so, so good.

My children are more reverent as they are waiting for their name to be said.

My kids are more aware of spelling tests coming up or sore knees or kids who are trying to beat their old track score. 
I wish i could remember and tell you all the darling things that my kids say when they pray for each other.
it is DARLING to hear what they think each of us need.
i LOVE this habit... i wonder how we got out of it?!

Having my kids pray for each other has definitely helped the unity of our home.

This morning I read a beautiful talk from Elder Henry B. Eyring.

I wanted to shout AMEN as I read these words—

“Give children the opportunities to pray, when they can pray, for each other in the circle who need blessings.  Discern quickly the beginnings of discord and recognize acts of unselfish service, especially to each other.  When we pray for each other and serve each other, HEARTS WILL BE SOFTENED AND TURNED TO EACH OTHER AND TO THEIR PARENTS.”

AMEN!!

This is a true principle.  I have felt it working in my home.

3. TEACH

I had a long heart to heart with my older kids.

Sometimes the older boys feel that it is their responsibility to teach the younger kids- because I am too lenient.

They are more harsh than I would be.

Because they ARE so good- they feel justified in their harshness towards their naughty younger sisters.

Because I rely on them to help and realize that they are still young, I have been too permissive with their ‘parenting’ mistakes.

I can see clearly now... the light has come.  (are those the right words to that song?)

I can see all the obstacles, disappear!!

... It’s gonna be a bright, BRIGHT, bright sun shiny day!

While we were washing dishes, and I was in a loving, tender mood, I talked with my main police officer—Drew.

We talked about leah and how hard she is sometimes.

I laughed when he said she was bad.

I asked drew what he thought his greatest quality was.  (he said, that he is smart.)

I told him I thought one of the best things about him was that he is CONFIDANT.  He really thinks he is smart, and good, and fast, and that he can do anything.  (he agreed with that.)

I told him that he was 100% worse than leah when he was her age.

I told him that he didn’t just scare babies (like leah likes to do), he would claw their faces.

He ran from me into the parking lot ALL THE TIME.

He screamed, in the middle of the sacrament, “I HATE CHURCH.”

Yes he did.  Todd had to drag him out of sacrament meeting that day. 

He pushed his brother down the basement stairs (onto a cement floor).

He peed on the bathmat in the bathroom, often.

If I put him in his room for time out he would pee all over—walls, bed, carpet.

He peed in the grass in front of the church while church was letting out.

He climbed EVERYTHING, often. 

He ate dirt constantly. 

He SPRAY PAINTED my brick home.

He cut EVERYTHING (including the ponytail off the top of Anna’s head).

Don’t even get me started on what the boys did to sweet Anna—yes, they colored her with PERMANENT MARKER—arms, legs, face.

They “made cookies” with ALL of my food storage in the basement.

They made MANY lakes in the bathroom.

Drew especially was a tough boy...

When he was mad, he would go into the knife drawer and grab the butcher knife to kill his brother.

Yes, he did.

That was the day I prayed a prayer of gratitude that he had been born into my family.

I’m afraid he may have ended up a serial killer in another family.  J

Drew was hard, he was MESSY, he was late often, he had a bad temper. 
(I wrote more about raising Drew in this post-- LOVE HIM.  and, i do love him.  i adore this big-spirited boy.)

But, EVERY TIME I wanted to strangle that beast of a boy, I would hear a strong, steady whisper teaching me to LOVE HIM.

I held him close.  I told him he was GOOD and LEARNING.

HE IS GOOD.

VERY, VERY, VERY GOOD.

Today, he is almost a perfect child. 

He is neat, he is responsible, he works hard, he is rarely difficult AT ALL.

He’s great at school.  None of his teachers today believe me when I tell them he was a beast of a young boy.

I told drew that I LOVED him when he was rotten.  I taught him with KINDNESS. and that it worked!

I would not allow ANYONE to break his spirit or make him feel like he was bad.

Not anyone.

And I told him that I would not allow HIM to make his sisters feel like they are bad either.

I asked him what he would do if he had a sister born with only one arm.

If it took her longer to get ready in the morning if he would yell at her and point out her weakness?

I asked him if he would treat kids at school the same way he has been treating his sisters?

Even if they didn’t do their homework?

I told Drew that we are a house full of TADPOLES.

That each tadpole is growing at a different rate.

Some are bigger and can jump, and some are still growing their arms and legs.

I said firmly—THIS IS A SAFE PLACE FOR TADPOLES.

This home is a place where children can learn without being teased.

This home is a place where we can ALL learn and grow without feeling like we are BAD people.

I have repeated this lesson often in my home.

I have reclaimed my dinner table—NO TEASING, at all.

Our house is a safe place for TADPOLES!!

4. SEE THEM CLEARLY!!

Be careful when you are beginning a “no tolerance” policy with contention.

Be careful when you see things in your children that you are going to FIX.

I believe that concentrated parenting is so important. 

Contention in your home is destructive and wrong.

It is good to stop contention in your home.

Focusing on ONE THING that you see needs to be changed and directing your time and energy to that behavior can really make a difference... but do it with awareness and care.

I have experienced many strict homes...

I am not a fan of strict parenting because I think parents often use the reasoning, “this child needs to learn” as an excuse to be abusive or unkind or destructive to a child.

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this quote from this talk, by Quintin L. Cook...

“Elder Dallin H. Oaks taught that it was important to distinguish between youthful mistakes which should be corrected and sins that require chastening and repentance.  Where there is lack of wisdom, our children need instruction.  Where there is sin, repentance is essential.”

Keep proper perspective on EVERY issue you are dealing with in young children.

Kids are KIDS.  They are NOT finished yet. 

Truth is, even ADULTS are kids (in the eternal sense).  We aren’t finished yet, either.

Proper perspective gives you the right frame of mind to teach.

Your children are NOT bad or ruined or rotten (even though I do say that too often in a teasing way).

IT IS NOT WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING AT, IT IS WHAT YOU SEE.

If you could truly see your children, the way God sees them, you would be AMAZED at their glory and goodness and potential.

Even your hard children.  ESPECIALLY your strong-willed, determined, big-hearted children.

You CAN NOT parent correctly when you doubt your self worth OR their self worth.

I think MOST of the time, young children are just that—YOUNG.

We often expect them to behave better than we can behave.

(How many parents have disciplined their children for having messy bedrooms when their own bedroom was a mess?)

In my mind, the key to appropriate discipline is that you have proper perspective.

DO NOT MAKE YOUR CHILD FEEL EVIL when they are making normal, childish mistakes.

If you can not teach with love and perspective—let it go for now.

I LOVE this wisdom from President Monson...

You CAN’T be right by doing wrong; you can’t be wrong by doing right.

Do not justify your sinful behavior towards your children because they are also wrong..

Two wrongs do not make a right.  (Not even if you are the parent.)

If you can’t teach with love, you can teach your child that tomorrow.

It is easier to teach tomorrow than it is to rebuild a child’s sense of worth and dignity.

Children will misbehave and be unkind and disrespectful when your home is not in order.

Yes, all children need to be taught. 

But, when things are not right with the PARENTS, children will mirror that behavior.

Contention in the home is often a sign that there are other problems that need fixing.

Perhaps there is some underlying sin, perhaps you have just been too distracted to give your family the time and care they need, perhaps your child is dealing with issues at school that you are not aware of.

Contention is a SIGN POST. 

A yellow light that will tell you to slow down and look at your environment.

Be careful that you are not overly strict with the faults you see in your children and blind to the things you need to fix in yourself.

Charity never faileth. 

If you do not have a heart full of charity and love—do NOT fix your kids.

Start with yourself. 

AND, be careful that you do not surround yourself with people who tell you just what you want to hear.

Find good, righteous people who will help correct your perspective.

When you think your child is doomed to utter failure, don’t listen to people who are condemning... find someone who sees the good in your child and can help correct your vision.

KIDS ARE GOOD.  We are full of potential—all of us.

IT IS NOT WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING AT, BUT WHAT YOU SEE.

Said a different way, YOU ARE LOOKING AT GREATNESS IN EMBRYO—CAN YOU SEE IT?

Are tadpoles safe in your pond?

Children are not just learning from you-- they see themselves through your eyes.

Being excessively critical of them, or of their father, leads to low self-worth.

no matter what your intentions are, being unkind and overly strict and cruel to your children or those around you has consequences. 

BE CAREFUL!! 

I will also say that I have seen the great, healing power of LOVE. 

Even if you have made mistakes in the past—LOVE can heal. 

TODAY’S LOVE IS MORE POWERFUL THAN ANY OF YESTERDAY’S MISTAKES. 

I know this is true.  I have felt LOVE erase years of hurt. 

I have seen LOVE soothe childhood wounds.

Saying that... you CAN teach your kids to be more kind to each other. 

As mothers we not only CAN teach our children and safe guard our homes—we MUST.

5.  PRACTICE.

I learned to parent from my own mother and from Linda Eyre (and from trial and error... I’m still learning).

The Eyre’s have written many books—they used a sorry seat or repenting bench with their children.

I do the same thing.

We have a seat where I send both contending children to.

They sit for awhile until they are calm and then we discuss the problem.

Each child says what they did that was wrong and how they are going to do better next time.

I have my kids apologize and say the words, “I forgive you.”

I also have them hug each other before they can come up.

If my kids are just sassy or contentious with me, I have them sit on the bench and count to a certain number (that is a great, distracting way of doing things).

We discuss how things will be better next time and they go play.

I do not ever start talking or timing or anything if my child is still having an attitude on the bench.

I don’t hold them on the bench or fight with them—I think I may have spanked their leg if they got off when they were little.

Today, they know I am serious when I say “go sit on the fireplace.”

They don’t get up until they have a soft heart.

This is my go to, standard discipline tactic.

If they are out of control, I send them to bed... rarely.

But, we needed something new and improved to combat contention among siblings.

The bench has taught my children to change their hearts quickly.

My kids don’t hold grudges and don’t have any problem saying sorry and making up with each other. 

They are very quick to repent once I get involved.  Hah.

BUT—they were contending too often with each other.

It was too easy for the girls to escalate in their fighting to the point of scratching or pushing... and then just apologize quickly.

My boys too often had teasing pillow fights turn into angry wrestling matches.

Yes, boys will be boys.  And, I do have boyish boys. 

BUT, my house will be a safe house for boys too.

I know that underneath their tuff exterior they are fighting with their brother because they are afraid of getting hurt by him.  Hurt or get hurt. 

Not ok with me.  

They do NOT get in trouble at school.

I think the reason they can control themselves in a school environment is because they are afraid of the consequences.

The fear of being sent to the principal’s office is motivation for them to control their testosterone urges.

I needed a consequence that I could follow through with that would be less appealing than giving into their natural tendencies.

This is what I came up with...

--if my kids are rude or sassy to me with their WORDS, I insist that they say kind things to me with their words.  I tell them they must sing me a song.  We have some great mom songs, “When my mother calls me, quickly I’ll obey, for mother knows just what is best, each and every day.”  “I know a name, a glorious name, dearer than any other!  Listen I’ll whisper that name to you, it is the name of Mother.  Mother so tender and kind and true, I love you!  I love you!  Mother so tender and kind and true—I love you.”  I have them sing to each other and sometimes, if they continue being sassy I make them sing more songs to me.  I do NOT contend with them.  I keep my tone authoritative and FUNNY, even with my teenagers.  I just keep telling them I can’t hear what they are saying until they sing sweetly to me.  Or I start singing to myself until they join in.  I LOVE THIS IDEA!

--20 THINGS!  Do you know that boys hate to write things.  It is tortuous to them.  So, I thought that would be a perfect consequence.   If we are in a hurry, or if they have soft hearts, I let them just say 20 kind things about their sibling.

--vinegar.  When my kids (mostly 5 and under, sometimes the bigger kids) are sassy I tell them to try again.  If they continue to be sassy I say, “If you continue to talk SOUR to me, I will put sour stuff into your mouth.”  I do not often FIGHT my kids.  I do TALK very firm.  I will say, “I’m sorry you talked sour to your mom.  Now you have to have sour stuff in your mouth.  Come with me and open up.  If you do it nice, I will just give you a little bit.  If you don’t open your mouth than I will have to pour the whole bottle in.”  They always open their mouth and I just pour a little medicine dropper of vinegar in.  Hugging them and saying how much I hate it when they don’t talk nicely.  If I notice a habit of being sassy, I only have to do this once or twice before my kids are back to being sweet.  

There is beauty all around, when there's love at home.

Home can be a heaven on earth.

Contention is of the devil.

Often the child that seems to be the trouble maker is actually the child that is hurting the most.

(my mom used to say, "a hurt dog will try to bite your hand when you reach out to help it.")

we must create homes that are safe havens for our family members.

Satan smiles when he can destroy the peace of our home.

In addition to all of our efforts to STOP contention in our home.

MOST of our attention should be on BUILDING good relationships.

Happy attitudes, good music, fun activities... 

family games, family field trips, family work projects can all ADD to our family unity.

i will have a family that loves each other and treats each other with kindness.

it is SO important to me.

Just letting you know that it takes EFFORT.

but, it's worth it.

have a good day!! 

15 years.

if i had to start over- i'd pick him again.

i'd have seven children.

i'd spend weeks in the hospital learning pain and healing.

i'd go- michigan, texas, oregon.

i'd fight and make up.

i'd choose the climb over the sun tan.

i'd choose this life- again.

yesterday i bit the bullet and uploaded some of my favorite songs onto my phone.

(i know, i'm late on the itunes bandwagon.)

when i was a little girl i loved the song by the Judds called--

Grandpa, tell me bout the good ol' days.

the chorus says...

did families really bow their head to pray?

did daddies really never go away?

was a promise really something people kept- not just something that they would say.

who-oa grandpa... tell me bout the good ol' days. 

today that song makes me cry.

i feel myself as a little girl and i know the power of my dreams for my future family.

today, i have more than i ever dreamed possible.

once, when a friend i had dated seriously was leaving to go on a mission, he said to me,

"Jen, date other people while i'm gone.  I don't know if you are the one that i will marry.  I don't know if i love you enough for forever.  But, you make me WANT to love someone that much."

yes, that was hard for me to hear.

i was young and terrified of rejection.

but, as i was thinking of what to write about 15 years with this man of mine, those words echoed in my mind.

Todd is so good, he makes me want to love him more.

every day.

i want to serve him more.

i want to lay in bed and snuggle beside him more.

i want to sneak out for date nights with him more.

i want to talk on the phone with him more.

i want to be more kind and more selfless and more beautiful for him.

i want him to feel how good he is and to help him feel how much i adore him.

i really, really like this imperfect man of mine.

i have never understood people who had a hard time adjusting to being empty nesters.

i love being a mother.

but i am SOOOOOOO excited for my youngest to leave the house.

todd and i are going to have so much fun together!!

he has been my best friend from the day we met.

marriage is harder than i thought it would be.

and better than i ever imagined it could be.

i choose every day to love this man of mine.

my life is blessed every day by his kindness and his diligence.

my kids are blessed to have him as a father.

he is a GREAT dad.

i'm amazed at the strength of our relationship-- 

and that it is possible to stay so close even with the many day to day stresses that pull you apart.

sometimes i feel like shouting to the world-- happiness in married life IS POSSIBLE!

it is.

i love you todd.

a lot.

{more today than 15 years ago.}

happy anniversary!

thank you for being a constant in my inconsistent life.

you are my greatest blessing.

15 down, 15 million to go!!  

positive parenting.

{NOTE-- I decided to combine this post with pictures from eve's birthday.  honestly, this was not my finest moment.  the kids were all so excited and they were driving me crazy.  when eve tried to grab the candle they all screamed and eve was scared and crying.  they were so excited about her gifts that they were trying to unwrap them for her and eve was scared.  it wasn't a bad night, just could have been so much better-- if i had remembered-- BE POSITIVE!!  you will see my mother face OFTEN in these pictures.  i can see the sadness and worry on the faces and in the eyes of all my kids.  next time i've totally got this...}

we are changing our family dynamics- again.
i am always surprised in my mothering how having a new baby or moving can bring me back a year.
i'm just climbing back up to the place i've been before.
i'm remembering the mother i like to be.

recently, i have been reminded of the power of positive parenting.
i LOVE the book by Glen Latham-- Power of Positive Parenting.
SOO good.  very specific.  and, it works.
I wish i could just quote the whole book to you-- i have been reading parts out loud to my husband at night.
his main point is that "behavior is typically strengthened by parental attention (positive or negative), by attending to inappropriate behavior we are far more likely to increase it's frequency and intensity. ... By attending to the good and desirable things our children do, we dramatically increase the likelihood that those good and desirable things will increase. ... Inappropriate, improper behavior must be recognized as a reason and an opportunity to teach, not as an excuse to punish. ... We must be teachers of behavior, not punishers of behavior."

Here are three of his main ideas...
1. Have positive interactions-- dozens a day with each child and NO negative interactions.
2. Ignore age-typical junk behavior-- "Easily 95% of the things kids say and do that drive their parents crazy should not be given any attention at all.  Just turn and walk away.  Behavior that does not get attention soon weakens and dies.
3. Teach children how to behave-- Parents say, "my kids won't behave."  If they understood their role better they would say, "I haven't taught my child how to stay out of trouble."

S.W. Bijou says, "Research has shown that the most effective way to reduce problem behavior in children is to strengthen desirable behavior through positive reinforcement rather than trying to weaken undesirable behavior using aversive or negative processes."

The book gives many examples of how to do this in a practical setting.
When talking with a child he says to as quickly as possible, engage the child in the problem-solving process.  Make them an agent of change (my words).
"I'm sorry that you were upset and became so angry that you broke the lamp.  That was so uncharacteristic of you.  Would you care to talk about it?" -- during the discussion make sure you are understanding and compassionate not judgmental, preachy, or full of a lot of advice.

"As you know, you broke the lamp.  We need to come to an agreement on how you will pay to have it replaced.  Do you have any suggestions?"

--He says it is common for kids to try to justify their behavior and place blame on someone else, or drag you off the course of your conversation.  You just respond with compassion and continue to try to get them involved in solving the problem.  He says, "In about 95 times of 100, if parents will stay the course and not be dragged into an argument with the child over what is right or what is wrong or what is fair or what is unfair, after only two attempts at derailing the conversation, the child will begin to come around.  However, if after the third time the child is still balking the parent should terminate the conversation by saying something like "I can see you aren't ready to talk about this right now.  I'm ready to talk about it when you are, in the mean time... some privilege that they have will be removed."

Note-- "It is very important for parents to keep the child actively engaged in the discussion.  It isn't the amount of time parents talk to the child that produces the desired results.  It is the amount of time and number of opportunities the child has to respond and to be actively engaged in the conversation, and exploring solutions that are then reinforced that produce the best results."

My favorite example in the book, i think, is where he talks about going into a classroom of ADHD, behavioral challenged boys.  He describes the chaos of the room.  The frazzled aid and teacher who were chasing the boys down the hall.  They were fighting and literally jumping off the bookshelves.  He couldn't find one positive behavior to praise, so he went over to a desk and picked up one child's neglected math sheet.  He made some positive comments about the work that had been done and slowly a boy came over to him and said that was his worksheet.  Dr. Latham praised the work and started a conversation with the boy.  The boy sat down determined to show him how he could do the next problem.  This behavior was praised.  Soon another boy sat down and began working.  Within 5 minutes the whole class was sitting down working on math.
BEAUTIFUL.

i wish i could tell you all of the specific experiences i have had implementing this principle in my home this week.
i 100% believe this is a true principle.
in one section they describe a short conversation you have where you praise the child, identify the problem, give a solution, have the child repeat back to you the solution, practice the behavior, and end with praise.
leah was pushing eve down, and laughing.
i have been yelling at her for doing that and telling her to 'be kind'.
it doesn't change anything.
i even knocked leah down once and asked her if she thought it was funny to be pushed down.
i thought that was an effective teaching method until two minutes later, leah pushed eve down again.
didn't work.
i tried the principle i read in the book.

first, i praised leah for being a kind sister.
i recognized that it was hard when eve came over and wrecked her toys.
i said, "we never push our sister down."
then i taught her.  "when eve comes over to your toys, i want you to take her hand and lead her slowly back to her toys."
i had her repeat back to me what she should do.
we practiced.

five minutes later i heard leah gently leading eve to a pile of books.
twenty times in the past few days i have heard sweet leah gently leading eve to some toys.
it works.
it is beautiful to see.

i have also made an effort to praise my girls when they are playing nicely together and not just ignore the good and respond when they start to fight.
that has been so good.

drew is a 10 year old, older brother with 5 sisters, tease.
anna gets so mad at him that she starts screaming or pushing or fighting with him.
i used this same technique with her after one situation got out of control.
i validated her.  i said, "even though drew is a tease it is NOT ok for you to scream at him."
"when drew teases you IGNORE HIM and WALK AWAY."
we practiced.
two minutes later, drew started teasing her and i saw her ignore and walk away.
i praised her again-- it WORKED!!
a couple days later drew started teasing me and i got annoyed.
anna smiled and reminded me, "Mom, just ignore and walk away."
ha!!

i was putting my girls to bed at night and they were giggling and continuing the bedtime drama.
i was just about to yell when i remembered this book.
i said, "You girls are SO good at going to bed.  You always fall asleep quickly.  Ellie and Leah are really great at just laying on their pillow and falling asleep.  How do you do that girls?"
i went on to say something great about each of the girls.
i laughed when they got silent and leah asked, "What did you say mom?  Did you say I was good at going to sleep?  really?"
i also laughed when i got caught on my words... "Tonight you quieted down in about... 20 minutes.  But i'm certain tomorrow you can do it in 5 minutes."
ha!  In a matter of SECONDS all four of my girls were laying quietly on their pillows.  SECONDS.

this works like magic.
i know it.
i remember knowing it before.
just forgot and slid down the slippery slope of complaining and nagging and paying attention to all the negative behavior.

"It is not what you are LOOKING AT, it is what you SEE!!!"
praise the potential.  teach the reality.
remind me of this if i ever forget it again, ok?!
have a good day.
You are GREAT parents.
Your kids are SO lucky.

cheap treadmill.

just a warning.
be careful buying a used treadmill.
mine is broken.
it counts wrong.
i try to run-- and i run for what feels like 5 minutes and my cheap treadmill only registers 36 second.
i decide to keep running for at least one minute, but my silly treadmill counts too slowly.
it takes one minute just to turn one second... so, if i run till 40 seconds- it's just about equal to most people's minute mark.  i figure.
when i switch to miles, i'm certain that i'm running 1.5 miles but my treadmill only says .15 miles.
i used to run at the gym... and those treadmills went a lot faster.
i suppose that's what i get for buying a cheap treadmill.
{ha!}

my scale is broken too...  it probably needs new batteries.
i think it is just stuck on the same number-- because it never changes.
i'm certain that if i place eve on the scale it will say 139.6.
{that's hypothetical of course.}
must be the batteries.
dumb scale.
i hate electronics.  ;)

love this video!  (thanks for sharing it heather!)

i think i'm better at doing good than exercising anyway.
just sayin.
i want big vinyl words "do good" on top of my front door.
it's my new motto.

what's a motto?
nothin' what a motta with you?

i see the beam, i see the beam!

you read my blog and so you know me.

a part of me.

i am (too) open about my innermost feelings and struggles.

honestly, i hope i don't make things sound like i am bipolar.
i'm not.
my real life is very normal.
my friend said that because i am so descriptive my blog seems a bit more polar-- but she knows me and talks to me and says in person i'm just regular. 

{this is another one of my 'descriptive' posts- be forewarned.}

my husband says the same thing.

he says my life is regular but i write and think deeply.

he loves reading my blog because he gets to hear the inner workings of my brain.

when i wrote my heartfelt feelings about planting seeds he said, "Wow.  I'm surprised you were thinking about all that.  To me, it was just a regular family night planting seeds."

he doesn't think like i do.

and it WAS just a regular family night.

the reason my blog posts are SO LONG is because i feel stupid sharing my glimpse of understanding and making it seem like my whole life is deep spiritual enlightenment.

i am just like YOU and i know it.
i just talk more.  ha!

i'm a regular old toyota corolla.  a mall person, like my friend Lori says.

in order to WRITE-- i think DEEPLY-- so that i can EXPRESS what i'm feeling.

my feelings are real, but not all consuming.

my life is fast and i am more constant than i appear on my blog.

my house is clean and regular.

my marriage is regular.

i do NOT think i'm a parenting expert.  trust me.

i do not think i'm better than you or worse than you.

i'm just a regular person that thinks a lot and tries every day to be better.
sorry if i sound arrogant in my tone.
i am an oldest child and the oldest grandchild-- i do naturally assume an authoritative tone sometimes. 

someone i love told me they hated how i'm always saying "I have seven kids."
ooh.  she is right.  i do say that too much.
i remember i used to laugh at a woman at my church who would say 20 times a day "i am the relief society president"...
i am like her.  i'm sorry.
(not sure if my "i have seven kids" comments are meant pridefully or as an admission of my insanity... but, anyway.  sorry if that is offensive or proud.)
i'm sure there are many more annoying things that i do.

last week was a hard week for me.

on many levels.

(doesn't growth come in clusters?)

at first i felt like everything was going wrong.

today i can see that there is so much good that can come from the hard.

i feel myself growing up a little bit.

learning to be more kind, more charitable, more humble. 

i'm different today than i was yesterday.

i've been born again, again.

i realized that many times i feel justified in my anger because i am hurt.

my emotions or selfishness blinds me to the plight of someone else.

i loose charity when i am focused on how i have been wronged.

i went to therapy for a time (years ago).

my friend and therapist told me that i needed to let myself feel angry about my childhood
so that i could fix things.

before that time i really never felt wronged or angry or like i had a hard life.

i did feel like i was drowning in sympathy and ruining my family as i tried to save others.

i learned to let go a little bit and trust that God is big enough for those i love.

i needed to focus on my family.

but, i stayed at the angry place.

it didn't feel right to me.

angry is not my nature.

my sister, who is historically much harsher than i am, also has a more compassionate heart.

she saw through our hurt and began to love more.

my eyes were opened a bit, and the love from my past just poured in.

today, my heart aches for my angry years.

i never want to feel that way again.

maybe my therapist/friend was right.
maybe i needed that time so that i could get to this time.

today i am filled with compassion, understanding, forgiveness and true Godly sorrow for my own sins.

i can see my selfishness where before i saw only my pain.  

my heart yearns to be more kind.

can i tell you a funny thing?
a very honest thing.
every time i thought of the Savior's parable of the person trying to pull a splinter out of someones eye with a beam in their own-- I WAS THE ONE WITH THE SPLINTER.
every time.
i was so critical of everyone else who even almost suggested that i had a fleck in my eye.
i really was blind.  i did not see the whole picture.
i could see their beam-- but i couldn't even see my own.
until this week.
i see my beam.  i'm trying to figure out how to get rid of if.
EVERY TIME i thought of the women caught in adultery, i was the women that was being accused.
i am that women-- but more often, i am the one throwing stones.
i was throwing stones at imperfect people-- because i thought they were throwing stones at me.
and, maybe they were throwing stones at me.
maybe i am bruised.  but, i can handle bruises.
i know people who have endured much pain.

after a particularly hard day i cuddled up next to my husband and he encircled me with his love and protection.
i was reminded, once again, how blessed i am.
my life is beautiful.
i thought of the song... "Because i have been given much, i too must give."
and, i have been given much.
why is it so hard for me to give just a little bit?
a little more love, a little more compassion, a little more money, a little more forgiveness.
why can't i love more?
why can't i be bigger and kinder?
why i am the one pointing out all that everyone owes ME--
instead of being quick to forgive, as i have been forgiven.
i have so much to learn.

last Friday, we had to give daizie back to the Humane Society.
i sobbed.
sobbed.
i don't want to talk about it.
i feel like a failure.
daizie has never done well with eve...
she started biting.
a lot.
she was sweet and perfect with big people, and scary with little people.
i had to choose and i chose safety for my babies (and my friends' kids) and peace of mind for me.
i pray for her all the time.
i miss that dumb, ugly dog like crazy.
leah woke up the day after we gave her back and said, "Mom, now i don't have a friend."
it's sad.
daizie went to Senior Rescue-- they will pair her up with an understanding elderly couple.
i think she will be a perfect for someone without kids.
it's going to be an open adoption... (ha!)
i typed up a two page description of Daizie and her quirks.
todd laughed at me saying i knew daizie as well as my own kids.
he said it was like a dog eulogy.
i made sure they would call me and tell me how she's doing.

giving daizie back has been one of the hardest things i have ever done.
{yeah, i know, todd rolled his eyes too...}
i doubted myself and i doubted my ability to hear and know God's will for me.
does God really care what kind of dog we get?  {here is my blog about getting daizie, and here is another post where i talk about her.}
i don't know.  i think so.
did i fail Him?  did i misunderstand Him?  did i just make my own stupid decision?
were we supposed to keep daizie longer and work with her more?
was i deceived?
daizie was a safe place for me to learn to really, really discern spiritual promptings.
i have been reading much on the topic and drinking in understanding.

Here is an AMAZING talk called, The Voice of the Spirit.
It's good.  It's deep.  It's talking about learning to hear God's whisper.  I am still learning.
a friend gave me a great book that described three voices in our head.
1- the voice of the Holy Ghost
2- our own conscience
3- devilish opposition
whether or not you believe in God, i think everyone knows the gentle, sure voice of Right that whispers to us what we should do.
He speaks in big things and small things, our job is to recognize His voice and learn to obey..
Usually He is urging us towards obvious goodness-- get married.  help with the dishes.  go to church.  pray.
The voice of the Spirit is simple and direct.
Immediately following a prompting, the voices of opposition with rage forth-- confusing, direct, loud, and many... you will hear many absolute reasons why you can NOT do what you felt you should do.
you're too tired to do the dishes, you've been working hard all day.  she likes doing the dishes anyway.  you did the dishes yesterday.  you're doing something important right now.
The third voice is the voice of our conscience.  It has a personal, contemplative, thoughtful tone.  I could go and do the dishes now, or i could help in a few minutes.  I wonder if i should stay with him or date other people?

I don't think you can ever be wrong doing right.  I also don't think you can ever be right doing wrong.
I think it's dangerous for someone to put their trust in spiritual promptings without clearly learning to identify the source of those promptings.
Not every thought that comes into our head comes from God.
Saying that, i can say with every fiber of my being that God does speak to man,
When I hear His whisper, and do what is right, my life is blessed.
I am given wisdom beyond my own and He fills me with love.
Today I am humble and ready to be filled again.
I need more love.
I need more love for those who are closest to me and deserve my love the most.

i heard a quote recently that changed my life.
i don't have the exact source or exact words... i hesitate to even write it casually here because it is easy to misunderstand.
but, you are my friends, and this is a gem in my pocket.
the quote said something to the effect of...
if we could see our spouses, as they really are.
if the veil was taken off of our eyes and we could see their spirits as God sees them,
we would be amazed.
their potential would shine so brightly we would be tempted to kneel down before them and worship them.

i love this idea.
the truth is, if we could see ourselves as God sees us, we would be amazed at our potential and goodness.
the truth is, Christ could heal and love the lepers because He did see them is all their glory.
i have been blind.
today is my first day of school in a new grade.
i'm nervous, but hopeful.
i want God to teach me how to love more.
i want God to bless me with His eyes.
i want to see how He sees and i want to be filled with compassion.
my pride has kept me from some beautiful relationships.
i'm excited for this new course.